Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Joke of the month…

February 20, 2010

Lonely Child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?” “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

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A rather nerdy math joke

February 7, 2010

Solve Indian puzzles

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

“Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

A joke

January 30, 2010

Only Three Doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

A blond joke… (No, I don’t really think blonds are dumb)

January 23, 2010

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said “This is Joe, is there an emergency?”

The blonde replied “Yes my shed is on fire!!!” Joe said, “Don’t panic help in on the way…where do you live?”

The blonde said, “IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!”

Joe calmly responded back, “How are we supposed to get there?”

The blonde answered back, “DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!”

Traffic Accident

January 15, 2010

“Well, Your Honor, I really didn’t mean to get into a fight with the driver of the car I ran into the other day.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, whom you can see is a dwarf, approached aggressively after the accident yelling, “I am NOT happy.”

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered, “OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?”

That’s when the fight started.”

Funny stuff kids say to teachers (Some of them are rather cheesy but some are great)

January 12, 2010

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Democrat, Republican, and Redneck

January 11, 2010

Democrat, Republican, and Redneck

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY

Democrat’s Answer :


Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Redneck’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG !
Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! ‘
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!

20 Ways to determine if you are a real Alabamian

January 7, 2010

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Decatur, Cahaba, Opelika, Sylacauga, Oneonta, Eufaula, Wedowee & Mobile.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It’s about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cow pies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol. A Ford F-350 4×4 Extended Bed Crew Cab dually is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing, or Ketchup.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day.

19. You actually get these jokes and are “fixin’ ” to send them to your friends.

Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

20. “You wanna coke?” “Yeah.” “What kind?” “Dr Pepper.”

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

January 6, 2010

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf in The Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field of All Your Checks, write: “For Smuggling Diamonds”

7. Finish All Your sentences with, “In Accordance With the Prophecy.”

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

It is not advised that you use these (Here at long last, sorry about the wait)

January 5, 2010

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for live Dino.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”

4. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. (Yeah, cuz sooo many people have glass eyes.)

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen

7. Speak only in a “robot” voice

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets

12. Sniffle incessantly

13. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles

14. Name your dog “d.o.g.”

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in al weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace.”

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”

26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play by play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page

41. Set alarms for random times

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers. (I prefer to scream “Vote for Pedro” to random pedestrians.)

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with “ohh la la!”

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes

58. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

59. Write “X-BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”

66. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smell,” until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says Magnificent One.”

69. AS much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling as they read.

71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

73. Drive half a block

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filing out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Vorwgian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song. (the Oscar Meyer song works rather well too!)

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. at a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for you “imaginary friend.”

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

99. Construct you own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties