Archive for the ‘Facts Etc.’ Category

EVER WONDER ….

January 14, 2010

EVER WONDER ….

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Funny stuff kids say to teachers (Some of them are rather cheesy but some are great)

January 12, 2010

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Identifying wasted time

January 9, 2010

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Daydreaming

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illegal Activity

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

20 Ways to determine if you are a real Alabamian

January 7, 2010

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Decatur, Cahaba, Opelika, Sylacauga, Oneonta, Eufaula, Wedowee & Mobile.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It’s about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cow pies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol. A Ford F-350 4×4 Extended Bed Crew Cab dually is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing, or Ketchup.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day.

19. You actually get these jokes and are “fixin’ ” to send them to your friends.

Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

20. “You wanna coke?” “Yeah.” “What kind?” “Dr Pepper.”

Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

January 6, 2010

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf in The Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field of All Your Checks, write: “For Smuggling Diamonds”

7. Finish All Your sentences with, “In Accordance With the Prophecy.”

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling “Run for Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

It is not advised that you use these (Here at long last, sorry about the wait)

January 5, 2010

101 Ways to Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for live Dino.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”

4. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. (Yeah, cuz sooo many people have glass eyes.)

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen

7. Speak only in a “robot” voice

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets

12. Sniffle incessantly

13. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles

14. Name your dog “d.o.g.”

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in al weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace.”

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”

26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play by play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page

41. Set alarms for random times

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers. (I prefer to scream “Vote for Pedro” to random pedestrians.)

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with “ohh la la!”

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes

58. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

59. Write “X-BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”

66. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smell,” until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says Magnificent One.”

69. AS much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling as they read.

71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

73. Drive half a block

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filing out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Vorwgian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes.”

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song. (the Oscar Meyer song works rather well too!)

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to “John Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45 rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. at a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for you “imaginary friend.”

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.

99. Construct you own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties

The ‘Rules of the South’

December 3, 2009

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.

3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a  pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

9. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. We say “sir and ma’am”, “please and thank you”, “excuse me and I’m sorry” when we are wrong or impolite. Do not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak. It’s just good up-bringing.

12. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah…. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!

14. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it frightens the fish, and aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. Don’t think that since we talk slow, we think slow. You may be in for a surprise.

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don’t mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump stuff ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Provided by the Jones

Actual label instructions

November 26, 2009

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears of hair dryer:

“…Do not use while sleeping.”

(darn, and that’s the only time I have to work with my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:

“…You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.”

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:

“Directions: Use like regular soap.”

(and that would be how???…)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

“Serving suggestion: Defrost”

(But, it’s “just” a suggestion)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

“Do not turn upside down.”

(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:

“product will be hot after heating.”

(…And you thought???…)

On packaging for Rowenta iron:

“do not iron clothes on body.”

(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s children cough medicine:

“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking his medication.”

(we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

(And…I’m taking this because???…)

On most Brands of Christmas lights:

“For indoor or outdoor use only.”

(as opposed to…What?)

On a Japanese Food processor:

“Not to be used for the other use.”

(Now, somebody out there, help me with this.  I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:

“Warning: contains nuts.”

(Talk about a newsflash)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or other body parts.”

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a child’s superman costume:

“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

(I don’t blame the company.  I blame the parents for this one.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

“Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.”

(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

These were supplied by Becca and the whole Jones family (thanks yall)

This is all I have time for today :( sorry. More tomorrow

November 19, 2009

Famous Last Words
I’ll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

It’s fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you’re a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Rat poison only kills rats.

It’s strong enough for both of us.

Nice doggie.

That’s odd.

No, these windows are ok to lean on.

Hey what’s that buzzing noise?

Don’t worry its not that deep.

I can pass this guy.

Questions asked to grandparents

November 18, 2009

These are great, and as far as I can tell real stories.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.” He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”