The ‘Rules of the South’

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.

3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a  pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.

9. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. We say “sir and ma’am”, “please and thank you”, “excuse me and I’m sorry” when we are wrong or impolite. Do not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak. It’s just good up-bringing.

12. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah…. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!

14. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it frightens the fish, and aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. Don’t think that since we talk slow, we think slow. You may be in for a surprise.

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don’t mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump stuff ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Provided by the Jones


6 Responses to “The ‘Rules of the South’”

  1. BookSnob Says:

    I guess I should tell you guys I’m kinda a northerner. No, make that a Californian. It’s a very different culture. Can we say culture shock? lol.

  2. tGbtg! Says:

    lol! Wow this is so true. I didn’t know the Jones wrote it. That’s cool. They left out the south’s most famous word: y’all.

    Rule 21: We say y’all.

  3. tGbtg! Says:

    Wait a second, oops did the Jones get it from somewhere or did they write themselves?

    • praiseHim Says:

      Yeah, I was about to clarify that. “Provided by the Jones'” means that we got in in an e-mail and saved it in a file for a few years, then I sent the file to Clay and he’s using a bunch of the stuff.

    • tGbtg! Says:

      Got ya. Thanks!

  4. SweetTart Says:

    I got in trouble because I said “yes ma’am” to my grandmother (she’s northern) and she got offended and was all like, “don’t call me a ma’am, I’m not old enough to be a ma’am.” So I told her that I say that because it’s good manners here and I would even say yes ma’am to a college student if she (yes sir for guys obviously) was in a position of authority over me.

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