Archive for November, 2009

Zen thoughts

November 30, 2009

Zen thoughts

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought, it was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria.  They’re the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse.  It’ll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand…

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well you obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar; the weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

When was the last time that a psychic won the lottery?

 

Provided by the Jones

Tim Hawkins

November 30, 2009

Lewis quote of the day

November 30, 2009

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.

C. S. Lewis

Tim Hawkins

November 29, 2009

Brian regan

November 28, 2009

Joke of the day

November 28, 2009

Giving away a horse

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.

Brian Regan

November 27, 2009

Lewis quote of the day

November 26, 2009

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

C. S. Lewis

Actual label instructions

November 26, 2009

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears of hair dryer:

“…Do not use while sleeping.”

(darn, and that’s the only time I have to work with my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:

“…You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.”

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:

“Directions: Use like regular soap.”

(and that would be how???…)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

“Serving suggestion: Defrost”

(But, it’s “just” a suggestion)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

“Do not turn upside down.”

(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:

“product will be hot after heating.”

(…And you thought???…)

On packaging for Rowenta iron:

“do not iron clothes on body.”

(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s children cough medicine:

“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking his medication.”

(we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

(And…I’m taking this because???…)

On most Brands of Christmas lights:

“For indoor or outdoor use only.”

(as opposed to…What?)

On a Japanese Food processor:

“Not to be used for the other use.”

(Now, somebody out there, help me with this.  I’m a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:

“Warning: contains nuts.”

(Talk about a newsflash)

On a Swedish chainsaw:

“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or other body parts.”

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On a child’s superman costume:

“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

(I don’t blame the company.  I blame the parents for this one.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

“Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.”

(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

These were supplied by Becca and the whole Jones family (thanks yall)

Lweis quote of the day

November 25, 2009

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
C. S. Lewis